Spring I think has finally arrived and with it comes new possibilities. New life will bloom, old tired beds of soil with soon be filled with intoxicating fragrances. Our lives certainly feel like freshly raked gardens. We seem stuck in a place we wouldn’t have chosen to be in. It feels cold, lonely, and just plain uncomfortable. Kinda like the muddy soil we will soon bury new plants into. I hate being here in this miserable waiting place. Not knowing how long we will sit in the dark, longing to feel the life giving sunlight. Could it take too long? Will we lose sight of why we were brought here in the first place? I can only have faith that the Gardener who set us deep in this pit, knows just what we need and when. Its too hard to focus on what you don’t have the eyes to see. And I am just too tired to spread my roots a bit to peak out of the grime.
Somehow I don’t feel very poetic tonight. Rather drained of tears, emotions and all feeling.
Our church had a going away party and although we fought going, our decision to attend was somehow a relief to me.
They will miss us.
In my heart, I knew that there would be those who were sad at our departure, but I found no peace in that. Instead I dwelt on those who would be “rewarded’ when we left whether with a new job, new position or because they just didn’t like us very well. Though some of those individuals attended this evening, most were silent.
The voices I heard came from hearts that had been touched, changed or altered if only in a small way.
These small words and short goodbyes have clenched my heart and soothed the bitterness that has been devouring my insides. Even the one I have dispised most through this process did not stir up anger. I believe his words were sincere.
One family member who attended tonight reminded me that there are those who plant, those who water and those who reap the harvest. Though we wouldn’t see the harvest of our efforts, I truly believe that seeds were sewn and hearts that may not show signs of growth, will one day bloom with ripeness.
Thank you God, for the small reminder that we are cared for
and that You used us to touch a life.
I have been drowning in fears of insecurity and the unknown,
Slowly loosening my grasp on the normal life I used to live.
Things that used to make me discontent and left me wanting more
Are now the same things I find myself reaching to hold onto just a moment longer.
I have been left here in my tears without a glance my way. It feels
Like their eyes are blinded to my pain.
Once more I sit alone waiting for the daylight to shine just a ray of hope on my spirit.
The doors are black with no sign of ever opening.
Did we make a mistake? Did we hear His voice and misunderstand?
Or was that His voice at all?
I feel like I am sentenced to live a life I don’t want to face.
To go out of who I am and what we believe in order to sink back into the gloom we have tried so desperately to escape.
Should we suffer for wanting to serve God more?
But the hands that are cluching the whips that punish are not those of disgust or hate.
Instead they are the hands of those who helped to form us and befriend us.
They allowed us to minister to them.
Could life really be that cruel?
Why can’t they see what they are doing to us, to him?
I envision Christ sitting with us, weeping with us as we suffer for His cause
Or what we think is His cause.
Are we really so holy that we hear clearer than the leadership?
For now, I am resting in the small hope that God has a bigger plan.
One that we can not see or feel or touch just of yet.
Now, if he can just give me courage to endure this empty dark pit while I wait.